Discernment Counseling

Freaking Out Doesn’t Help When You’re On the Brink of Divorce

Discernment Counseling / By Nicole Locorriere, LMFT / July 11, 2022 July 11, 2022

If your partner has just told you that they’re having serious doubts about the marriage, your first instinct might be to panic, defend, or placate (or all of the above!) But it’s essential in this moment to stay calm, even though it seems impossible right now. Your cool head can do wonders for ultimately saving the marriage if that’s what you want. There are six things to do on when trying to save your marriage. Focus your attention on them and you’ll have your best shot. Don’t look for immediate resolution of the marital crisis. It took time to develop …

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Marital Doubt: Are You On the Brink of Divorce?

Couples Therapy, Discernment Counseling / By Nicole Locorriere, LMFT / July 11, 2022 July 11, 2022

People usually keep their doubts about their marriage to themselves. I’m not talking about ordinary concerns about the relationship, or even feeling stuck in a pattern. I’m talking about worries about whether or not the relationship will survive. It’s scary to think about. If you tell others, you might get unhelpful suggestions like “go with your gut” or “make a pro and con list.” The doubts stay underground, coming and going, sometimes for years. Marital doubt is way more common than most people realize. And there are ways to get past it and get clear about the future of your …

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How to Manage the Problems That Make Couples Divorce

Couples Therapy, Discernment Counseling / By Nicole Locorriere, LMFT / July 10, 2022 July 10, 2022

Once upon a time when divorce was rare, most people were driven to it by what I call The Three A’s– affairs, addictions or abuse. Divorce meant that someone was chronically cheating, repeatedly intoxicated, or physically violent. These Three A’s are known as “hard” reasons for divorce because they represent dysfunctional behaviors that impact human dignity and safety. In their full bloom, they’re not tolerable to live with while still having a healthy life. But as we’ll talk about in a minute, the presence of one of the A’s doesn’t mean you have to rush to divorce court; there may …

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Who to Tell (and NOT Tell) About Your Potential Divorce

Discernment Counseling / By Nicole Locorriere, LMFT / July 10, 2022 July 10, 2022

I’ve worked with people in your shoes. You want to announce to someone that you’re considering divorce because you need some support. It’s a difficult and highly emotional place to be, so let’s set some guidelines to avoid making mistakes. One mistake is not telling anyone. When we do this, it’s often out of shame, or to avoid recognizing that the threat of divorce is real. The result is isolation and marinating in your heavy emotions. A second mistake is to tell the world. You may have seen this– everyone at work, church, and the book club knows the scandalous …

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A Marriage Isn’t Over Until It’s Over: Research on Divorce Ambivalence

Discernment Counseling / By Nicole Locorriere, LMFT / July 10, 2022 July 10, 2022

We generally assume that when people enter the legal divorce process, they’ve come to accept the reality that divorce is inevitable. Even therapists and lawyers tend to assume that when the papers are filed, ambivalence about divorcing is gone and the only task ahead is to help couples have a constructive end to their marriage. However, recent research is showing that these assumptions aren’t founded. In fact, many divorcing people aren’t sure they want their marriage to end. This post is going to be a lot more technical, so bear with me. **Are you experiencing divorce ambivalence? It’s not too …

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Sick of Arguing About What Defines Cheating?

Couples Therapy, Discernment Counseling / By Nicole Locorriere, LMFT / July 10, 2022 July 10, 2022

Some of the muddiest waters of couples counseling are in the area of infidelity. What one partner defines as “friendship” may look like a budding romance to the other. This can lead to a lot of fights about what defines cheating in a relationship. Does it have to involve physical touch? Does there have to be an emotional connection? Unsurprisingly, no one is soothed by these arguments back and forth. The partner who feels betrayed stays betrayed, and the partner with the other relationship feels judged and defensive. So what do we do? We define an emotional affair. There are …

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