How to Find the Best Marriage Counselor in NJ

The moment you decide to begin couples counseling can be a difficult one. You’ve just admitted that you might need some outside help, and that’s no small feat. You understandably want to make sure that the person you’re allowing into the intimate inner folds of your relationship is going to do the best possible job. But of course, the best marriage counselor in NJ for you and your partner might not be the best one for someone else. So in today’s post, I’m going to explain what parameters you should be using to help you determine the best match for your specific needs.

But first, what is marriage counseling?

Before we begin talking about how to find the right fit, it’s important to manage expectations by talking about the role of a marriage therapist and how they can help you with your relationship. 

Couples counseling takes many forms, depending on what you and your partner need. Generally, it helps people in romantic relationships function at a higher level as determined by the couple. There is no threshold for how much or how little you should be suffering in order to attend. In fact, you should NOT wait until you’re on the brink of divorce or breakup to attend. Still, depending on your presenting problems, you might need a specific kind of help. Here are some types of relationship counseling we provide at Prologue:

• Premarital Counseling— helps couples set a solid foundation for an upcoming commitment such as marriage. It is education-based, and assumes that couples are in a good spot and ready to take things to the next level.
• Discernment Counseling— helps couples make the decision of whether they should remain together and work on their marriage, or move toward divorce or separation. This is best utilized when one partner is leaning in and wants to work things out, and the other one is leaning out.
• Gottman Method— a versatile type of couples counseling that values building friendship and emotional intimacy and integrates research-based interventions 

Related: Prologue’s FREE online course on finding the right therapist

How to Find the Best Marriage Counselor in NJ

1. Go beyond Psychology Today

Psychology Today is a fantastic resource for finding excellent therapists. They have a massive database throughout the entire country, and users can set filters for location, whether they accept particular insurances, specialties related to problem, religious affiliations, or specialties related to cultures, etc. However, Psychology Today is quite general, and not the only database out there by a long shot. There are databases that cater specifically to marriage and relationship therapists, which means users are only getting professionals who work with their presenting problems. Some of these databases include:

• National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists— This database only includes therapists who work with couples in the United States. Potential clients will still have to filter for their location, but they can rest assured that every professional listed is well-versed in relational issues.
• The Gottman Referral Network— This database lists mental health professionals who are certified in The Gottman Method, a widely recognized method of couples therapy that uses research-based interventions
• The Discernment Registry— This one only includes clinicians who have completed discernment counseling training and are qualified to help couples decide whether to stay together or separate. The vast majority of us are also qualified couples therapists who can do traditional couples therapy if couples decide to work on things.

You also don’t need to be afraid to ask friends and family for recommendations. There is still a stigma around receiving mental health care, but if you feel comfortable asking someone you trust, you’re doing double the important work by taking care of yourself and busting the stigma. Just be aware that it may not be appropriate for therapists to see two clients who might discuss each other in session or otherwise overlap in their presenting problems.

2. Look for Relationship Training

If you’ve been seeing an individual therapist for a while and you like them, it might be tempting to ask them to be your couples counselor if the need arises as well. They already understand your needs and you’re already comfortable with them. However, this is not advisable, as individual and couple counseling are two very different beasts. 

Mental health professionals with letters such as LPC or LCSW can certainly become specialists in relational work, and there are a great many wonderful marriage therapists whose foundation is in social work or individual therapy. Still, some couples prefer to know that relational work is the foundation of their training. That is what you’re getting with an MFT, or a marriage and family therapist. A marriage and family therapist gets extensive training in school about how one’s relationships affect their mental state. Additionally, the “client” in the room is the relationship itself for MFTs, not either party. There are certification programs which provide similar skills to all types of mental health professionals, so couples can look for those types of trainings in addition to simply the letters “MFT”.

3. Consider your specific concerns.

As stated early on, different relationships will have different needs, and there are many types of therapy within marriage counseling that can accommodate them. For example, are you getting married soon? Premarital counseling is likely the right option for you. It is dedicated to helping couples set a solid foundation for their upcoming marriage. If you’re a couple on the brink of divorce, Discernment Counseling might be right for you. Or, if you’re in a certain phase of life, such as mid-life where your children have moved out and you’re hoping to strengthen your emotional bond again, you might look for a therapist who specializes in this type of problem. 

You also may want to consider how your internal world may play a role in your marriage as well, and look for a therapist who can accommodate those challenges. For example, if you struggle with a particular health concern such as chronic pain, you might want to look for a therapist who is well-versed in that. Or grief. Or trauma. Addiction. The list goes on, as I’m sure you can imagine. The best marriage counselor in NJ is the one who understands the intricacies of your specific lives and relationships.

4. Consider what your insurance will cover

Knowing what you can afford beforehand will save you a lot of headaches and phone calls. Often, your insurance company can provide you with a list of mental health professionals who are in-network. 

You will also want to know if your plan includes out-of-network benefits, because this will give you more flexibility in who you can use your insurance with. Often, even if a provider is not in-network with your insurance company, your out-of-network benefits will cover a portion of the cost. 

At Prologue, our insurance expert can do the hard work for you and let you know if you’re covered, how much you’ll receive, and what percentage of your deductible has been met. 

5. Manage Expectations of Therapy

Part of getting the best marriage counselor in NJ is understanding what marriage counseling is, particularly the boundaries of this complicated relationship. As stated up at the top of this article, you’re trusting a professional with some of the most intimate details of your life, and you want to know they’re being handled appropriately. So, how should a therapist engage with you?

For one thing, a therapist should never tell a client what to do, or “give advice.” You are the expert on your own life, and a therapist is simply a collaborator. If your therapist tells you what to do, and you don’t feel comfortable telling them you don’t like what they’re saying, that’s a red flag. Another red flag might be if they don’t explain their modality to you. Therapy should be very goal-oriented. If you’re coming into sessions every week just to “vent” about what’s going on in your relationship, you might feel better in the moment, but your marital problems will persist. 

Of course, since every client is different, therapists will make choices based on what they think serves that client best. And since therapists are only human, sometimes they choose incorrectly. As long as they make changes based on your expressed needs, you can still have a fantastic, helpful bond. 

So, who is the best marriage counselor in NJ for you based on all this info? If you still need more clarification, we would love to hear from you! We would also love to see you over in our FREE online course about finding the perfect therapist.