Build the Positive Perspective and Build Your Marriage [10 Ways]

Dr. Jessica Koehler recently wrote an article for Psychology Today Magazine in which she discussed how the Fundamental Attribution Error plays a role in our relationships. As I read, I realized how much her insights reminded me of The Gottman Method research on maintaining the positive perspective. For today’s blog post, I thought I might highlight these similarities to shed some light on the importance of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. Then, using Dr. Koehler’s article and Gottman research, I’ll help you identify the best ways to increase your positive attitude toward your relationship in your daily lives.

First, what is the Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE)? There’s a concept called attribution theory which states that our brains are constantly attributing behaviors and events to different causes. My friend didn’t say hi this morning? I could attribute that to a rough morning for her, or that I did something wrong and she’s mad at me. The fundamental attribution error is when I become prone to attributing the event to the internal, character-flaw reason rather than the external factor. A lot of times, it’s simply not our fault. It’s very likely that my friend’s toddler just wouldn’t leave the house this morning without three specific pieces of his train set, and she left her coffee steaming on the counter she hasn’t cleaned in days. I dare say that’s much more likely than the idea she decided to dislike me overnight. But I’ve attributed the event to my doing something wrong, and now I’ve beaten myself up for something outside my control. Not a very positive attitude.

So why do our brains do this if it ultimately hurts us? The thing is, brains love shortcuts. As well, our brain’s job is to keep us safe, not happy (that’s a whole ‘nother blog post). If I assume my friend doesn’t like me anymore, I can put myself in the advantageous position of distancing myself before she rejects me further. What this doesn’t account for though, is the fact that humans’ evolutionary strength is our social nature. We link up with other people to maximize our strengths and minimize our weaknesses. So in situations like these, what we end up doing is protecting ourselves from the people we chose to protect us.

Enter John and Julie Gottman and their discourse on the positive perspective. They have created an evidence-based structure called the Sound Relationship House, which outlines several domains of a healthy marriage, one of which is maintaining the positive perspective. It states that our brains have modes: Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) or Positive Sentiment Override (PSO). In PSO, we attribute things fairly realistically, effectively giving benefit of the doubt and accounting for things like work stress, feral toddlers, etc. In NSO, positive and neutral events are often attributed to negative causes. Lots of things can prime our shifts, so this is best discussed with your therapist. But you may begin to see how this absence of a positive attitude in NSO can erode a relationship– you’re building a case full of evidence as to why you shouldn’t trust your partner, limiting your ability to connect.

Both Dr. Koehler and Drs. Gottman are suggesting the same things– when we give our partners the benefit of the doubt, either by maintaining a positive attitude or avoiding the FAE– we forge the path toward deeper intimacy with our partners. We’re able to manage conflict more effectively, create shared meaning, and accept influence from each other. Now let’s talk about what this looks like in practice. In her article, Dr. Koehler outlined ten strategies for healthier attributions. Let’s tease apart each one and make them actionable for your lives.

positive perspective positive attitude benefit of the doubt

1. Practice Perspective-Taking

In Gottman language, being aware of your partner’s perspective is referred to as having a strong love map. Your love map is your guide to your partner’s internal world, and it’s the foundation for a healthy friendship. I tell my clients that a love map should look like Google Earth– ever-evolving, excruciatingly detailed, and non-judgmental. Just an accounting of the facts. If you’re struggling to see your partner’s way of thinking, be curious. There may be a blind spot on your map to fill, leading to benefit of the doubt. You can build this skill with the Gottman Card Deck App or Paired, both of which have received great feedback from my clients.

2. Increase Awareness of Attribution Biases

You’re already doing that by reading these articles! (Talk about a positive perspective!) However, the Fundamental Attribution Bias isn’t the only one that impacts us. There are three other major ones– the actor-observer bias, the self-serving bias, and the hostile attribution bias. As Dr. Koehler states, education is a strong defense against them negatively impacting your relationship, so check out those links to vetted sources.

3. Foster Open Communication

This one could be a whole blog post itself, so I’ll focus on the application of I-statements, which Dr. Koehler mentioned in this bullet point. I-statements are a method of keeping defensiveness (one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse) out of the equation by taking responsibility for one’s own feelings. Instead of “you never take out the trash,” one might say “I feel so overwhelmed/disrespected/etc. when you forget to take out the trash.” The key thing to making this work in your everyday lives is to make sure you’re not swapping “you never take out the trash” for “I feel like you never take out the trash.” That is a thought, not a feeling. And that particular thought is likely to lead your partner to say “I took it out on Tuesday!” rather than hearing your true intention of getting your needs met. Basically, utilizing a more positive perspective of the situation by assuming your partner wants to meet your needs helps you both minimize defensiveness.

4. Set Aside Time for Regular Check-Ins

This is a challenge for many couples; we keep ourselves so busy these days that it’s hard to carve out quality time at all. And when you do find the time, how do you even go about a check-in conversation? This is not a Gottman intervention, but I have adapted an outline called the RADAR from relationship coaches and podcasters Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren and Emily Matlack. RADAR stands for Review, Agree, Discuss, Action, and Reconnect, and it’s a guideline for regular relationship check-ins. Having an outline minimizes that dread of how you’re even going to start the conversation, allowing more room for a positive attitude to take hold from the beginning of your talk. If you’d like a copy of the RADAR, let me know by filling out the form below and I’ll email it to you.

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5. Emphasize Positive Attributions

We are so quick to attribute negative behaviors to our partner’s character, again because that feels like a safer assumption to our brains. But why don’t we do the same when it comes to their great behaviors? When we actively attribute the good things our partners do to their character, we build the positive perspective and limit our own tendency to protect ourselves from something good. Make it a ritual to add compliments to the beginning/end of your RADAR. Sharing fondness and admiration is another floor of the Sound Relationship House, as those compliments are deposits into our emotional bank accounts. When we know our partners have a positive perspective on us because they’ve told us, it’s a lot easier to see them with a positive perspective too.

6. Seek External Support When Needed

Don’t be afraid to seek professional guidance to help you build these attribution skills. Sometimes our experiences make it very challenging to hold a positive attitude, and a therapist can help you work through that.

7. Educate Yourself on Relationship Skills

While a therapist like myself would love to help you and your partner work on this, there is also a great deal of literature on the subject, as Dr. Koehler mentions on this point. Some of my favorite books about relationship skills are The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Fair Play, The Five Love Languages, and The State of Affairs.

8. Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a very nebulous concept with many different definitions. The one that sits best with me is the release of resentment or anger. This doesn’t mean that you accept hurtful behaviors again in the future, or that you pretend they never happened. It just means that the challenging emotions entangled with painful experiences aren’t driving your behaviors and keeping you stuck in that pain.

9. Encourage Teamwork and Shared Goals

If there was a word cloud for phrases that I say in couples therapy, “you guys are a team against the problem, not against each other” would be colossal. Often, when harmful record grooves get really deep in relationships, there’s a lot of blaming which erodes teamwork. In pursuit of a more positive attitude around goals, here are some concrete ways to show support and build back trust in your teammate.

First, you can actually share that dream yourself, as having a dream in common is an obvious yet strong way to build connection. But many times that’s simply not the case. I don’t share my husband’s dream to manage an operations team at his company. So thankfully, that’s not the only way. One can also show support in the form of providing resources for their partner’s goals such as time, finances, or taking over responsibilities. Finally, active listening can be a great way to show your partner that you have a positive attitude about being on a team with them and progressing toward each of your goals together.

10. Reflect on and Share Life Stories

The tippy top of the Sound Relationship House is a floor called Creating Shared Meaning. Sharing and reflecting on your life stories is a wonderful way to do that. It’s all about identifying and building the legacy you want your relationship to leave in the world.

The Gottmans have identified four pillars to creating shared meaning, all of which lend themselves to sharing and reflecting on life and love stories in their own way. The first is already identified in the bullet point above– support for each other’s dreams and goals. Sharing those goals and reflecting on them shows trust that can only be built through having been given the benefit of the doubt.

The same goes for the second pillar, rituals of connection. There is a certain level of vulnerability that comes with building traditions with your partner, which is what this pillar is all about. How do you guys celebrate birthdays? How did you do so growing up? What are your routines for taking care of each other when someone is sick? How is physical intimacy typically initiated? These are all rituals of connection which can be strengthened by reflecting on oneself and sharing that with each other.

Third comes support for each other’s roles in the relationship, which refers to higher level roles, like nurturer, protector, provider, etc. Reflecting on and sharing with your partner how you came to see yourself in a particular light builds intimacy, snowballing that positive perspective.

Finally, we have discussing shared values and symbols. Symbols refer to the way that we express our values. Examples might be expressing grief through displaying ashes of a loved one in your home. Or a cross above your door as an expression of love for God. Or a Christmas tree, menorah, etc. Putting the trust in your partner to discuss these things exemplifies the positive attitude that builds benefit of the doubt and overall intimacy.

At the end of the day, there are tons of ways that you can build on your positive attitude with your partner, and maintain that positive perspective as you grow and change together. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments about how you have incorporated these into your life.